Third Spaces and Human Connections
By Joelle Melling
If moments of connection, laughter, small talk, banter, and regular get-togethers feel like a distant memory, you are not alone–paradoxically.
The loneliness epidemic has been an increasing worldwide phenomenon in recent decades. I have felt it, my social network has felt it, and chances are, you have, too.
Factors Contributing to the Loneliness Epidemic
Loneliness is more like a gemstone than a river. By that, I mean that loneliness is multifaceted. There is no one source, no one cause for it, and when you look at it from different angles, new insights and obstacles emerge.
A wise professor once told me, “complicated questions have complicated answers.” Today, I can’t think of a problem for which this rings truer.
Those who have studied the loneliness epidemic give diverse explanations. Digital recreation (streaming services, smart phones, videogames, social media) make it easy to stay indoors, or to at least plug into a private world even while out in public. We are less civically engaged than we used to be and have less religious affiliation. Single-income families (whether by choice or necessity) fare less well than they used to. Those with less education or professional achievements feel even more disconnected. To top it all off, in the West, our culture is individualistic by default.
We live in a highly mobile world. Moving to a different city, or even across the globe, is easier than it used to be (when housing costs allow it). Living in connected communities (small towns, neighborhoods, etc.) where inhabitants have known each other, or had mutual connections for decades, is less common, due to age, urbanization and immigration.
If you are a Millennial or Gen X, perhaps you remember what it was like to go to neighborhood meetings, get together with friends every week for “the newest episode” watch party, play in the recreational sports league, and knock on doors of childhood friends around the neighborhood asking to play. The idea of “stranger danger” had not yet set in so deeply, and people often left their doors unlocked.
If you are Gen Z or younger, you might not have those memories at all, and the idea of a friend group or casual socializing might sound like fiction. Trust may be a foreign language.
Fostering Connection
If you feel lonely and want to broaden your support system, it helps to remember that building connections takes time, intentionality and trust. It can be hard to be patient when you have unmet needs or if you have been hurt before. Yet, everyone starts somewhere.
This is not an exhaustive list, but here are some habits that people who feel connected employ to grow and sustain their support system:
Connected people invest their time in a third space. Third spaces are traditionally considered free, open to the public, and outside the first two spaces (home and work). Examples include parks, libraries, streets, free festivals, and houses of worship. If we are looser with definitions, they can also be commercial: cafes, bars, beauty salons, barber shops, makers-spaces, bowling alleys, rec centers, book stores, etc.
Connected people explore their interests. They try out hobbies and join in-person hobby groups to meet other enthusiasts. You might find you enjoy a yoga class, a chess club, a woodworking class, a book club at the neighborhood bookstore, the dog park, disc golf, a crocheting group, etc. The important thing is that you find a place and activity you find interesting.
Connected people limit their screen time so they have time to build in-person relationships.
Similarly, connected people consider their stage of life and needs. If you are 32, partnered and childless by choice, it might be harder to fit in with a group for parents of small children, or with a single-over-60 group. This doesn’t mean you couldn’t make wonderful friends with such people, just that your priorities and overlap in schedules might prevent you from putting in the time it takes to build close friendships.
Connected people become regulars somewhere and make a point to have conversations when they can. They are mindful of what is a sustainable budget line for their weekly commitment, if applicable. While conversational, they are careful not to be intrusive or insensitive. They might only talk with a bartender or other regular, at first, and that’s okay, but they usually don’t wait months before starting a conversation, because by that point, they’re known as the “statue that sits in the corner” whose window of opportunity is in the rearview mirror.
Connected people monitor the return on investment of their time, effort and emotional energy. They take smaller risks before taking bigger risks and decide when (and if) to jump ship. For example, they might spend less time on that weekly phone call with their monopolizing aunt, which frees up more time for positive interactions. They decide how many days, weeks or months they want to give a certain third space a try before throwing in the towel, and they plan alternatives. For established family relationships and friendships, they consider boundaries to provide a healthy balance of give-and-take.
Connected people are mindful of their goals: direct interaction, making new friends, parallel play, or going out with an established group of friends or family. They try to match their goals to appropriate locales and situations, they show up and invest themselves, and change course if needed.
Connected people practice social awareness. They back down when others seem disinterested, they respond when others ask questions, they avoid blocking exits, they share their number (rather than ask for one) if they want to keep talking, they find things related to the locale or activity as conversation starters. They consider if they are sending any signals that make them feel unapproachable or too pushy (such as avoiding eye contact, hiding in the corner, wearing headphones, interrupting, sitting down uninvited, etc.)
Connected people are open and curious, finding ways to engage respectfully and authentically (a quick smile, opening the door, small talk about the menu or local sports team). They might even invest in improving their community to create more third spaces, taking initiative and staying hopeful.
Does this feel overwhelming? That’s okay. Being human is a process of trial and error, and we are all on the journey of life.
It takes effort to not be self-conscious, but this frees up energy for us to be curious about others. When we are curious, we have more space to ask questions, notice patterns, request feedback, and hold humility toward ourselves and others.
Therapy Can Help
If past baggage keeps you feeling like a social failure, it might be time to consider therapy. If you invest in your self-esteem, you have a better foundation for feeling confident and purposeful in the long run.
If there are certain patterns (thoughts, feelings, memories, beliefs, bodily sensations) that keep emerging for you in social situations, here are some questions to ask yourself:
Do these patterns keep me from having the social life I want?
Do these patterns hurt me in other ways (school, work, family, etc.?)
Am I stuck? Have I tried everything I know to try, but still have this struggle?
Am I using unhealthy coping to avoid discomfort when in social situations? (Scrolling, earbuds in, avoiding others, substances, staying indoors?)
Therapy can help you explore these patterns of behavior, thoughts, emotions, and relationships that have shaped your life. It can help you understand where you are stuck, what your values are, and who your ideal self is. Sometimes there is also past trauma or emotional wounding that prevents us from stepping into who we want to be.
We can think of these wounds as physical injuries. If you broke your foot, you would not start walking the next day. You would need recovery time in a cast, crutches, and finally physical therapy to challenge, strengthen, and stretch your muscles, tendons and ligaments. Physical healing is a gradual, iterative process, and the same can be said for psychological healing.
If you are recovering from emotional wounds or trauma that impact your social life or feelings of connection to others, psychotherapy can help you build confidence and learn about boundaries. The therapeutic relationship gives you support to heal and process. You develop adaptive coping as you exercise new insights. Therapy challenges you to make changes and to set achievable goals, in line with your overarching values, vision and ideal self.
Are you ready to ditch the “cast”? Request a phone consultation today to see if our practice is right for you.
Picture: By Leah Newhouse on https://www.pexels.com/photo/group-of-people-enjoying-music-concert-325521/
